Blowjobs: Not Cheating

Vancouver BC: A groundbreaking new study commissioned at the University of British Columbia combining nearly 5 years of research has produced some startling conclusions which fly in the face of popular belief, it's official; getting a blowjob does not constitute infidelity.

The revelation is the result of pioneering work by Professor Richard Head, Head of Research at the UBC School of Psychology. His study combined MRI images of the frontal lobes of more than 2500 women who had just been given the news that their partner had received a blowjob from another female. The reaction was compared to the images of a further 2500 female test subjects who had been informed that their partners had conventional intercourse with another woman.

Explains Dr Richard Head "the methodology allows us to carefully analyze and and measure the reaction and level of disgust in the test subjects. We couldn't believe the results when we saw them, it was indisputable. The subconscious does not lie, receiving a blowjob does not constitute cheating."

Women worldwide have been quick to dismiss the results, and the Medical Practitioners Association of British Columbia have distanced themselves from the results pending a full review which could take years, but for now men are taking the results as irrefutable"

Business at local massage parlors is up almost 140%, and Dr Richard Head is publishing the results in a book, due to hit the shelves in July.

BC RCMP Officer nabbed: Notorious Change Thief Case Closed.

Vancouver: The BC RCMP division has closed another high profile case today, without leaving the office. The well publicized case involved the theft of nearly $6.48 from office desks and drawers in the provincial RCMP Head quarters over a period of 9 months. The case involved dozens of man hours and an elaborate sting operation, where the suspect was finally caught in the act removing lose change from a colleagues desk in order to purchase snacks from a vending machine. A raid on the suspects home revealed several marked Canadian Quarters, and a single US Quarter along with Mars, Snickers, M&Ms and other confectionery - which the suspect has been unable to explain. The operation involved the Vancouver Police Department and several special forensic agents. VDP Police Chief Spokesman Jim Chu commented earlier "It's a great day for the people of BC who have been looking for closure on this heinous crime"

Family man demands affordable housing in West Vancouver

West Vancouver BC, Long heralded as some of the most expensive property in North America, West Vancouver's average home price sits in the $2.5 million range, and that's far too much for a Vancouver local area man's liking. "People are demanding affordable housing in waterfront condo's along False Creek, and in inner city areas today, and I thought why not pick a location where I can't afford to live, but would like to and give it a try as well"

He went on "...I want a view of the city and harbor, access to the beach, and something quiet." On his $120,000 income, the properties meeting his requirements are priced between $3.2 million and $6 million are well outside his affordability. "As a resident of Vancouver, I have the right to live wherever I want, and if I can't afford it, it's up to the government to make housing available for me." The 33 year old software developer currently lives in a 2 bedroom condo in Yaletown, valued at around $650,000.

Although seemingly strange to many North Americans, the idea that an individual should be able to live in a neighborhood which is otherwise unaffordable for them is not uncommon in Vancouver. The Carnegie Community Action Project's Jean Swanson, an outspoken advocate of affordable housing is taking on his case and vows to get him placed in a mansion "...somewhere west of the Lionsgate."

101 Ways to Cook a Pine Beetle

The BC Forestry commission - with the assistance of the BC provincial government has released an innovative new cookbook to help tackle the provinces pine beatle plauge. The cookbook details 101 recipes British Columbians can use to prepare the insects for consumption.

The insects are available in abundance and will be for the next 7 years as they have infested the provincial parks in plague proportions. The book details methods to capture, clean and cook 3 varieties of the beetle, including everything from salads, to chowders, taco's and pine beetle and apple strudel. Forestry minister Pat Bell remarked "I have personally tried and tested many of these recipes - and I can say they are fantastic, I want every British Columbian to pitch in and do their part - together we can turn this infestation into a gourmet local specialty."

The book will be available at Amazon.ca and at Chapters bookstores in February.

RCMP Plan new training program "How to safely kick suspects in the head"

Vancouver BC: The RCMP is reviewing its cadet training and induction programs, specifically the module which focuses on kicking civilians in the face while they are on the ground. Kelowna RCMP superintendent Bill McKinnon has said "we've all seen the footage, and I think the question is, was the officer involved properly trained in the skill of apply pressure to the face, and frontal lobe area safely?" He went on to say "we are going to review and thoroughly audit chapter 3 of the RCMP Guide to Better Policing which specifically outlines safe manners in which a mountie can kick a person in the head while they are on the ground."

As an added precaution, mounties across the province will also each be issued with A Dummies Guide to Subtle Police Brutality. The text will help mounties understand basics, like looking around for a camera before committing serious assault on citizens, destroying evidence after the fact and ways to inflict abuse without any letting any signs of physical harm become visible. "Clearly, this mountie ignored all the basics in this engagement" McKinnon concluded.

BC Tourism Begins making plans to capitalize on a warmer Vancouver...

Vancouver BC: Seems like everyone is talking about climate change these days and for most its a negative topic. Not however for the marketing team at BC Tourism who have decided to take the brightside approach. "Canada, is one of the few countries that's going to benefit from the global warming phenomena" a spokesman for BC Tourism remarked, who wished to remain anonymous.

According to a recent study and a CBC article, they are correct. Everywhere else a rise in global temperatures could be a disaster. But for sun starved British Columbians, the news is good. "An extra 5 degrees centigrade is going to go down very nicely here. And warmer climates are going to mean we are going to be able to market BC as a summer holiday destination" BC Tourism is planning on making BC the new California and is putting together a 25 year plan to develop and exploit the forthcoming heatwave.

"This is extremely exciting and represents a whole new opportunity for us" the BC Tourism spokesman went on, "Imagine eating a icecream and having it melt in your hands! Imagine it being hot enough to actually warrant taking of your shirt and walking around! Imagine having to see a skin cancer specialist about a mole that changed shape at the end of summer!"

While not everyone in the ministry is convinced this is a good position to take, they agree it's got merit and potential. "2035, is going to be a great summer in Vancouver, and we're counting on those emissions to keep the thermometers heading north"

NDP Party to find new leader in ground breaking reality series...

BC's NDP Party have just announced plans to launch a new reality series on CTV entitled "BC's Next NDP Leader". The series will consist of 12 episodes in which NDP party hopefuls will compete for leadership and ultimately control of the fractured group, still reeling from the dramatic exit of it's recent "dear leader" Carole James.

Since James exit late last year, many internal candidates have put their name on the ballot however none of them seem to be garnering any support or interest from the party leadership team. Says outspoken MLA Jenny Kwan, "We decided that we needed some fresh talent and we probably need to look outside to get it. The ideal candidate is going to be bitter, have a real chip on their shoulder, looking to blame everyone else for their misfortune, and ideally they'll also have a very strong sense of entitlement, and very little personal responsibility. They'll basically looking for the same thing many of our supporters are - something for nothing."

The final 12 contestants will be selected from thousands of hopefuls by producers and an as yet unnamed selection of 3 NDP MLA's who will judge the performances week to week. Each week a contestant will be eliminated until the last contestant standing takes the leadership role. Contestants will battle it out in preset challenges; examples include: pandering to and winning support of public unions, giving money to every group asking without any regard to budget and stalling and blocking any and every public infrastructure project proposed.

The CTV Series is set to air at the beginning of February.